All About my ADHD #realtalk

ADHD was in the news (by the news I mean twitter…) recently in that the Florida Shooter was diagnosed with ADHD. A comment on Twitter, said that having ADHD is “a way to diagnose behavioral problems.” Frankly, this comment rubbed me the wrong way. Other comments said things like “ADHD is not even a real thing”, and “ADHD has practically no impact on someone’s life.” Wow. I had no idea the ignorance on the internet was that bad.

I wanna say one thing before I begin my rant. I am in no way defending the shooter. He had no right to do what he did. He was in the wrong and though I suspect he has some mental health problems that in no way excuses his behavior. For even in the depths of mental anguish, its still not right to take another innocent man’s life, let alone the lives of children. I just saw the comments on ADHD and wanna talk about them, not the shooter and his problems.

To begin…

I have ADHD. I was diagnosed in 2011-2012. I went through 13 years of elementary, middle, and high school, and almost an entire economics degree with no accommodations, drugs, or therapy for ADHD. I was of the opinion that ADHD drugs were a parent’s cop out of parenting misbehaving children. Where that opinion stems from is beyond me.

I have talked about this here before but none the less, I will briefly repeat.

I discovered I had ADHD. (Yes, Hyperactive type. As I sit here bouncing my leg as I type.) I discovered it in about 2011 when I found out that I had Synesthesia. Synethesia is a neurological brain disorder where your senses are intermixed. So for me, I can literally tell you each color that is constituently associated with each letter of the alphabet. I can taste smells in my mouth… etc. I will make a page and link it here fully explaining my Syn.

Realizing that I perceived the world differently than the normal person got me researching. I started to piece together the I was different in more ways than just seeing colors for letters. When I talked to my parents about it and brought my research to them they where hesitant. I was informed that I had some teachers in elementary school that suggested I might have ADD/ADHD, and my parents not wanting to medicate a 10 year old, choose not to pursue testing.
As the months went on I was more and more convinced that ADHD diagnosis fit me. So, because I was 20 years old and capable of making my own decisions I made an appointment with my doctor. Not to say my parents were against it. They where for whatever was in my best intrest. I brought my Doctor all my research, and spilled it out for him. In the middle of the appointment he walked me down the hall to a associate (idk what there title was but they were the one that was capable of administering the testing) and they set me up with a ADHD test then and there. I finished the testing which was a long questioner and handed it back to the person. He read the first page and looked up and said “How old are you?” I replied “20,” he then said “According to this you have sever ADHD.” I was excited in a way and sad in a way. Excited that I had a word for my differences from society. Excited that there was a reason that I was different. Excited that I wasn’t broken, I just had ADHD. I was sad that there was something /wrong/ with me. Some time later I was talking with my doctor and explaining my troubles in math particularly. He immediately suggested I start a medication for ADHD. I was dead set against it. After a long conversation of trying to persuade me I was still agasint it. Then my doctor at the time said “How will you ever know that its bad and not for you until you try it first hand.” He had me there. I walked out with a prescription for Strattera. In the years since I have swiped up doses and meds and today I take Concerta in the morning and Methlephenadate in the afternoon. (If you wanna know my dosing I’m happy to tell ya.)

I went from a F in math to an B in a matter of two tests. I was so confident going in to the final I wrote “My sticker goes here” for the teacher since she put stickers on all the A exams.

Anyway, ADHD has been a major part of my life for 25 years. I” just didn’t know it by name for 20 years. 
Some of my symptoms include but are not limited to….
Constant movement. I wiggle/fidget/shift in my chair from the second I wake up till the second I fall asleep.
Racing thoughts. I think more thoughts in the first 5 min of being awake then most people think in a few hours. Thoughts fade in to other thoughts so fast that when I explain things my words are behind compared to the thoughts.

Insomnia. I have sleep problems. On my own I take hours to fall asleep, and wake up a lot. Then I wake up exhausted and go to bed wide awake. It’s miserable. But thanks to Melatonin I sleep pretty good most nights.
Lack of focus. I am so easily distracted that sometimes I have to have people repeat things because I accidentally stopped listening mid conversation to think about the joke I heard in 2005. The connotation of “SQUIRL” from the movie Up is the story of my life.

My whole point here is that ADHD is no joke. It’s a serious thing thats affecting people. Kids, Adults, Boys and Girls. I think it was so easy for me to go undiagnosed for 3 reasons. 
One: it was easier to pass the problem off to the next teacher than to try and solve it. 
Two: in the 90’s it was unheard of for a girl to have hyperactive type ADHD, when it looked to much different in a girl than in a boy. 
Three: It was easier to call me a behavioral problem and a lazy student that “didn’t care.”
I cared. I liked learning. Still do. But I have to try harder than everyone else to get it. I have to try harder than others to focus. 
Lemme stand on my soap box for a min and get to my point. To all the “Lazy”, “Don’t care” kids out there. Your not alone. Your not broken, your just different. What you experience is real and you deserve to learn just as much as the kid that does it with ease. I feel like the public school system failed me, that I was “left behind”, but you don’t have to be. Start advocating for yourself. Share what you are experiencing and don’t stop telling people how you experience the world till they stop and listen. Get in to your school councilor/doctor/parents/teacher and make them help you. It’s their job. You difference though it may seem like it makes you weird, actually makes you ridiculously unique. Companies and employers are dying for someone to think outside the box and guess what. You experience the world out side the box. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, it will be uncomfortable but God made you special and ADHD is something special about you, it’s not a “fake diagnosis to get Ritalin” it’s not “a behavioral problem” it’s not a “laziness” problem. Also there is no shame in asking for help and accommodations, even taking a med for it, if that works for you. You learn differently. Big deal. Learn how you learn. Listen to your body and figure out how it learns and go with it. The sooner you figure this out the better. It’s a journey figuring it out and its something I’m still working on. But it’s going to be worth it. 
You got this kid. 
/End Rant/
All in all. Don’t call out how someone else experiences the world unless you have all the facts and the knowledge to understand where they are coming from. 
If you have questions, comments, concerns, about my ADHD and how I manage it let me know I actually really enjoy talking about it. Also, if you have ADHD tell me! I love hearing how other people manage it. 


Excited! How Much I Love Jesus

So I started reading my Bible daily. I’m almost through Genesis at this point, but the weirdest thing is occurring… I find my self wanting more and more. I scheduled to read 4 chapters a day and i thought that was a lot because usually I dread reading the bible. Its over my head and does make sense and just seems like words with no meaning.
Not this time.
Now I feel like I’m learning. I already found out so many things I didn’t know, or things I was unsure of. I crave the words of the Lord. I just want it all now!
It could be that I’m not reading it I’m listening to it, and it could be that I just really like this translation (NLT), whatever the cause I carve the word and the feeling I get of peace when I dive in and seek to understand in the purest form.

I heard a story of an atheist that choose to read the bible so she would have ammunition to prove that it’s all crap, and about half way through the bible she broke down in tears and spoke openly to the Lord for the first time. Sobbing, begging his forgiveness for she had seen the way the truth and the light in the words and choose that moment to give her life to the lord.

I can see how reading the bible alone has that power. It’s like a magic book that comes alive when you read it from  a pure point of wanting to understand. I love that.

I was meeting with my advisor about classes for next year and she started by asking me “Kyra, what do you wanna be when you grow up?” The first words that jumped to the front of my brain were. “I wanna serve the lord.” That is what I wanna be when I grow up, a servant of the gospel. But I had to give the secular world answer and told my advisor that I wanna help people. Which is not wrong. I do want to help people… in the name of Jesus.

The lord put it on my heart to be a philanthropist years ago. Far before I even knew what that was. The goal has always been that. But along the way the lord put law school on my heart too, apparently I need a law degree for whatever he has planned for me.

I know two things for sure. The first is… well, three things actually.

  1. I am called to exemplify the grace and love of Jesus Christ. 
  2. I am called to adopt. I don’t know if that’s child, plural or singular. But I know I will love and raise a child that I  bear from my heart not my body. I also don’t know that I am called to have a child that is genetically mine or not. I don’t know that I want to, either. More on this topic HERE.
  3. I am called to give on behalf of Jesus to those who are in need.
I am just so stoked to be here and fighting with the lord by my side, for the greater good. Especially in a world that is school shootings, and violence. I choose to stand here and worship my God till my last breath. It’s so powerful to have this fullness in my heart of peace that I have given my life to the one who loves me most. 
I just wanna shout from the roof tops the words of my bible. 🙂
More to come, 

Studying the Bible

Happy Friday, all!
So recently I felt like I needed to dive in to the word more. Granted on a regular basis I don’t read my bible. I subscribe to a daily verse email from Joel Osteen, and I read that everyday but embarrassed, I must tell you thats the max I read the Bible. I just confess I don’t even go to church anymore. Thats a story for another time. Anyway, I don’t know where this thirst for the word is coming from but it’s there and I wanna quench it. The question is, how do I do that?

Now, I must tell you I have a supremely busy life with law school. Time is of the essence. So for me daily studying needs to be quick and painless. Naturally, I started my search with Pinterest. Searching Bible Journaling, Bible Studying and Prayer Journal. None of that seemed to be what I wanted; it didn’t satisfy my curiosity. What did intrigue me was two fold.

What I Found:
1. First thing was the SOAP method where (as I understand it) you read a portion of the bible write down the things that stick out to you (Scripture), then write out (Observations) then (Analysis) and finally (Prayer).

2. Second was verse mapping. Where you take a single verse and decode it, with definitions and meanings to you and such. Here is a picture of what I am talking about.

I think my next step is to ask an expert how to study the bible and see what they say. I follow a few inspirational christians on Facebook, I also have a pastor cousin and some paster family friends. 
What I’m Looking For:
I wanna understand better. I always felt like everyone knew the bible better than me. For a long time I thought they knew God better than I did and I had to be formal with him, or that I had to be perfect to talk to him. But God is not like that. You can talk to him as you are. Imperfections and all. 
With the world drawing away from the Lord I wanna draw nearer to him. I wanna understand. In my mind what better way to understand that to go to the source it’s self. 
So until I get a study plan underway feet I’m just reading 4 chapters a day and taking notes in a notebook. Like it’s a class I’m studying for, since that’s all I know. 
Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions? Lemme know I wanna hear them. 

Happy Valentines Day!

In 2011, I wrote a letter to my husband asking him to be my valentine. I wrote similar letters to him on every Valentines day since. There are a couple years in there where it was written to a specific person, some years where it was written to a generic person I haven’t met yet.

The gist of the letters is this:
I pray for you often, I long for the days we spend together, you and me and Jesus against the world. I have so many plans for us but I know the Lords plans are greater. I know we are apart for a reason right now and I respect that, thought all this would be easier with a partner in crime.

Anyway, I encourage everyone to take 5min and write a love letter. To your spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancé, or the man or woman you haven’t even met yet. Trust me no matter how cheese it is they wanna hear they are loved. And weather they read it tomorrow or 30 years from now they wanna hear what you had to say today.

Here is mine….

Dear Forever Valentine,

We have not yet met, or maybe we have? But either way we are not together yet. This is a day in celebration of love. I wanna tell you that I already have a place in my heart for you. I pray for your success often and find myself wondering what your doing now and again.
This year I wanna tell you about the love my parents have for each other and how I want the kind of marriage they have. My parents are each others best friend, actually they are more than that. They are two parts to a whole. They balance each other perfectly. Best of all they are STILL in love. (No I’m not calling them old.) I have seen them fight battles I never thought a person could face but they did it with grace and wisdom in the name of Jesus. They have been an example to me and my siblings as to what a marriage should be. Through adversity and change and growth they because stronger as a whole, never drawing away for a second. I learned how a wife should be treated, and how a husband should be treated. I was raised watching them love each other and I remember finding it so hard to imagine parents not being in love, like mine were. I want that. I long for that connection they have. Its so much more than a best friend, partner, it’s like they where made to find each other and complete each other. Even better they have done all this in Jesus name.
Future husband, my forever valentine, I thank the lord for you now. Because if you all that God has praised me you are, I’m going to wanna start thanking God for you now. May your day be filled with love.

Happy Valentines Day.


Don’t You Dare Stop Now

I wrote this poem 7 years ago. It’s long I know. It’s a crappy poem, I also know. But it was as much raw emotion as I felt at the time. It’s extremely personal… I even hesitate to post it but I figured that it was legit how I felt and I have a right to feel what I feel, and write about it… in crappy poems. lol

Digging for Buried Treasure:
Written: Wednesday May 18th 2011, 8:30AM
Dirt under my nails
Sweat in my eyes
A thirst I can hardly, bare
Hike the shovel in the ground
Scoop up the dirt
Toss it
Repeat, over and over again
Where is the treasure?
The X marked the spot
As I dig deeper
My imagined scent of gold grows thicker
How good it will be
To lay eyes on accomplishment
To drink cool water
Rest my callous
Wipe away the sweat
Soon enough…
The shovel hits something solid
My heart asks “the treasure?”
My brain asks “another rock?”
Dust it off…
Hopes high…
Another rock
Get back up start digging more
Now here comes evil to kick me as I dig
As hard as it can
Evil even decides to throw dirt back in
Almost as fast as I can dig out
I fall down in pain,
Another cracked rib
But i jump back up,
ready to keep digging
Harder Faster, all i can think
To advance the hole seams
Hopeless, impossible
When all my hope is gone,
Kicked down
I don’t jump up anymore
I slowly pull all that is in me
Maybe even a little more
And crawl to my knees,
To be kicked again,
Crunch, another rib broken
The cold ground on mt face
The Dust in my lungs
Maybe I should just lay here
The time I waste contemplating
My whole fills more and more
Tears streaming now,
Deep breath,
Slowly through a wimpier, exhale
and pull my self up with a strength,
Not my own
Expecting another kick,
I stand, Dust off,
Keep digging
Finally i am caught up,
starting to advance,
never stop to notice a faint smile return,
as Evil has left,
My heart sinks,
afraid to believe,
afraid to hope,
more tears fall as i bend to dust away,
to reveal,
Eyes closed,
all the hope i have left,
move the dirt,
another rock,
Pain all rushes back,
My fear was right,
Tanting me more,
fall on my face crippled in pain
scared, hopeless,
lost, alone
dying in sorrow,
Why? not again!
The X Marked the spot!?!
Then a Voice not my own,
“Sweet daughter, keep digging,
To you i could never lie”
hang my head,
Try to move,
I can’t do it again
Cripple in pain,
My ribs all broken
regret, anger, rage
I don’t know any more
Wham, kicked again
Evil, is back now
only now do i notice he had left
Ready to give up,
The voice again,
“You are more”
The pain i can’t take,
can barley breathe,
Ribs all broken,
Callous’s Bleeding,
tears streaming,
Making clean lines down my dirty face
I rise to keep fighting,
with all i have i scream,
It comes out as a whisper
“i choose to keep digging”
Start digging harder,
Faster than ever,
Running only on adrenalin,
not stopping to breathe
I keep digging
I fall but jump back up again,
Rise to keep fighting,
Evil leaves,
I don’t stop to notice
Just keep going,
Eye only on the prize
Advancing again,
Hope building back up
Even a sick smile
stretches accross my face
Tears of pain fall
Then like a slap in the face
My heart sinks,
Theoretically hope is easy,
now it’s time to be real.
now it’s here i am crippled in fear
Fall to my knees, begging for the voice
Just a word,
In silence,
I wanna lye down,
give up cry
It would be to hard to see another rock
I can’t do this again
I will not
Begin to lie down,
This is all over,
A whisper
“I said you were more”
Not a think left,
not a tear to cry,
So thirsty
So tired,
so weak,
So much pain
Eyes closed,
Dust away,
nothing not but to open and see
A quick prayer to a God i hope exist
Crying so hard,
Can’t hardly breathe
Terrified to open my eyes to see
Suddenly a had from behind extends over mine
Like it’s lifting it to help it move
taking my hand over the moved dirt
All in a swift motion
even a whisper
“It’s okay, I have you”
With a strength i don;t have
this was impossible
I open my eyes
Another rock,
Angry now, hurt
Played, dead
Just kill me instead,
You sick meaning less voice
Evil back to kick me
I scream in pain,
Punch the rock,
knuckles broken
I’m done.
Leave me her to be kicked to death
From no where the voice
i despise
“if it where easy to find the treasure,
them it could not be this great,
If every one could keep going,
it could not be this great,
i made you able to finish this battle
you are more, and i love you”
Like a poof gone again,
Lying in sorrow,
too tired, and weak to care
i’m finished
Eyes closed i feel my heart slowing done,
All of me is giving up at once
death a minuet away,
I can actually see a light
Then, an idea,
Crazy one too
Move the rock
what do you have to loose?
I yell the answer in the silence
Almost in spite,
I rise to knees,
Using one arm,
with broken knuckles
to support my broken ribs,
I open my eyes,
Just me and the rock
Using my only good limb,
I begin to slide the rock
hardest thing i have ever done
the ground beneath
peaced with a light
the ground under me crumbles
i fall through
Falling suddenly my pain is gone,
my ribs healed,
My thirst quenched,
My lungs clear
my hands washed,
Even clean clothes
I fall in to the arms
Of the one who loves me
“Your One in a Million,”
he said
How could i have ever been mad,
at the one who loves me
more than air
I am more,

I’m one in a Million.
I wrote this poem 7 years ago. I was in dismay at the pain life was throwing at me. It seemed like it was taunting me with almost being over then turned out to be “nothing but a rock”, I was heart broken and hurt, but the joy of the forthcoming victory that I believed in was still in my heart and kept me going. The poem is intended to be overly dramatic and painful, that’s how I felt. I wanted the journey to the victory to be over so badly but I kept hitting rocks. 
Just thought I would share it with you all, to remind you that there is a way where there is no way. Just when you think you have hit another rock, just when you can’t move forward another step, God has a plan. A plan to prosper you and to fulfill your greatest desires. He can move rocks to show buried treasure. He can knock down evil. He can carry you while you walk through hell. 
To all of you walking on thin ice on borrowed strength, you’re almost there. Don’t you dare stop now.